Let’s just get it out of the way: Transformers is the worst piece of crap movie I’ve seen in a very long time. There are so many problems that I don’t know where to begin.

Okay, let’s start with this. You could lop off the first hour of the movie and you’d lose next to nothing. There was nearly an hour of no visible Transformers (which is what I was there to see), setting up useless characters (I’ll get back to that in a moment) and situations that weren’t necessary. Start with the scene with Sam and Hot Chick #1 meeting the Autobots (below), mention that Sam has a car, and insert a truncated version of the attack in Qatar. You now have a movie that is roughly the standard length for a summer popcorn flick and has lost absolutely nothing of substance.

What are you lookin' at?

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Here’s a list of other problems:

  • Hot Chick #2 (the Australian one) served no purpose in the movie. Eliminate her, and replace her with African American #3 (the fat one). Or vice versa, I don’t care. There’s no background offered for their friendship, and no resolution to the subplot of them getting in trouble for stealing the microchip, so there’s no negative consequence.
  • Every black character, including Jazz, is a stereotype.
  • There are two whole female characters of substance in the movie and they’re both Hot Chicks Who Are Really Smart And Tough.
  • This is a bit of personal preference, but all of the robot forms are overly complicated. The Decepticons all have the same murky paint job. I’m not asking for a lot, just the ability to tell one from another.
  • Michael Bay brought the movie to a screeching halt every ten minutes for a slow motion sunset military hero shot straight out of a Be All You Can Be commercial. We get it, you have a hard on for guns and uniforms. Now let’s keep your bloated two hour fifteen minute movie moving.
  • This is beyond wrong:
Great Moments In Cinema History

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  • Somehow, the writers thought it was a good idea to have a ten minute “hee hee the robots are hiding in the yard” scene, completely obliterating any tension that had been created in the film so far. This was actually a problem more than once, as the script moved back and forth between angsty drama to slapstick unfunny comedy.
  • Case in point, in the middle of a gun battle in the Middle East, Brave Soldier #1 needs to call the Pentagon, but the Indian Stereotype operator insists on getting a credit card number from Brave Soldier #2. IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRAMATIC SCENE.
  • Stereotype Father and Stereotype Mother think it’s totally awesome that Sam snuck Hot Chick #1 into his bedroom.
  • I wish they’d just taken a break for commercials instead of having (skinny) people posing in front of Burger King©, drive GM© vehicles, and (bet you missed this one) use Pepto Bismol© for their stomach discomfort. (I know it’s based on a kid’s toy, but still. A little subtlety goes a long way.)
  • Bumblebee’s sudden ability to speak is never explained.
  • There are quite a few characters who just disappeared. Brave Soldier #4 (the Hispanic one) was hurt (I think) but never heard from again. Hot Chick #2, Hot Chick #2′s Nerd Friends, African American #3, Ineffective Government Guy, and Lead’s Best Friend just disappear never to be seen again. Lead’s Best Friend was left on the side of the road, for crying out loud.
  • Finally, another visual aid. Someone explain to me why you would cast Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson (below) in a movie and never show them with their shirts off. NOT ONE TIME. That’s like, 2/3 of their appeal!

'You still got your shirt on?' 'Yep. You?' 'Yeah. ::sigh::'

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Okay fine, I might be a little hypocritical on that last one. I did have my hopes up, though.

I do have one or two good things to say about Transformers. While Brave Soldier #4 is a bit annoying (I said good, didn’t I?), they did something on the DVD that most people probably won’t find. I wondered how they dealt with his lapses into Spanish on the Spanish dubbed track, so I switched over and found that they flipped it so he was speaking English. They also switched Sam’s grade from a B- and A- to a seven and “ten with reservations”. It’s pretty awesome that they took the time to make the changes.

The second good thing I have to say about this movie is that I finally broke down and bought a RiffTrax. RiffTrax are basically Mystery Science Theater 3000 reformatted as audio-only commentaries on mp3. You download a RiffTrax onto your [cref 289 iPod] and sync it up with the movie. The syncing is incredibly easy to do, and they even have a media player that syncs automatically if you want to watch on your computer, though I couldn’t get that to work. I’m assuming it was the DVD’s fault.

But never mind that, I got to hear Mike Nelson, Bill Corbett, and Kevin Murphy making fun of a movie again. And RiffTrax are DRM free, so I get to feel superior. Not bad for four bucks. Spot on commentary to boot.

So yeah, two positive things about Transformers and neither has anything to do with the actual movie. Kudos, Michael Bay.

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